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Today is the fortieth anniversary of my parents’ wedding. Congratulations, mom and dad! You have been a marvelous example of faith and faithfulness all these years. We are all very grateful.
Mom and Dad dancing to their wedding song almost forty years later
We prayed together last night before bed, and I’m sad to say that this warrants a blog post. It should be so common, so regular that it wouldn’t be “news.” But lately….well, lately it hasn’t happened like this much. I mean, we pray together all the time: meals, bed-times, car-trips, etc. But we hadn’t prayed like this for a while. I began the time of prayer with confession, saying I was sorry to God that this hadn’t happened for a while. This is on my shoulders as the one who should be “the head,” and I’ve not been leading well of late.
Any way. Prayer was (is!) good. We prayed for each of our kids in detail, asking specifically for wisdom and discernment about how better to parent each one, bringing their own personal struggles before the throne of God. We prayed for each other. We prayed for our marriage. It was great.
I just wish it wasn’t news-worthy.
A family is such a blessing. But I’m referring to a blessing that probably doesn’t normally make the “top ten list” of “Why families are a blessing.” A family forces (yes, sadly, forces) me to remember that life is not about ME.
From my first week of marriage on I’ve realized this uncomfortable but necessary blessing. I had never noticed how truly selfish I was until I got married. When I was confronted with another person’s needs and wants day after day–I began to realize how much life had been all about ME. With each child added to our home, the sensation, the realization of my selfishness has grown. It’s like an orange being squeezed. You find out what’s really there on the inside when it’s being pressed from all sides.
And it’s not a pretty picture here. But it’s good to be squeezed. It’s good to see the “real me,” so that I can take that real me to Jesus, so that he can put that me to death and give me a new me that’s more like Him. (see Romans 6. Colossians 3)
I woke up today on this bright sunny, post-Easter day with lots of plans. Decidedly ME focused plans. Within moments of my son exhibiting “stomach issues of various sorts,” all those plans were derailed. And my selfish heart was unveiled again. But that’s a good thing. Because Jesus is here and He’s working on me.
I had a request from a friend for a sermon on Marriage from October. I put the link back up. So that one is now the top link–and yesterday’s message is second.
The main principle of changing YOU and then seeing resultant changes in your child (see previous post) works in many areas of life.
It works in the work place. The book, “Deep Change” argues for a similar approach as a leader at whatever level your position in the organization. In order for your environment to change–YOU will need to make “deep changes” in your outlook, approach, interactions, etc.
It works in marriage. The book, “Divorce Busting” argues that even one willing partner can make significant changes (to themselves!) and thus change the whole nature of a relationship.
This is all quite biblical. Jesus urges us to examine our own deisres, actions, and motives first before moving on to point out the fault in another when he says:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5
Look to God to change your own heart, then look to Him to help you develop new patterns of interaction with the people around you.
I saw that movie “Up” last Friday night. I took my youngest son to his school where they had a showing. A fun event.
I REALLY liked the movie. It was humorous and the plot was zany. But what I really liked was the depiction of the romance between the main character and his wife. It was BEAUTIFUL. I “fell in love with” my own wife all over again just watching the opening minutes of the movie. It was amazing how they depicted their whole romance and life-together so simply and so quickly.
[Spoiler Alert]
One of the most touching parts was later in the movie when he discovers that his wife had filled in her “The Next Adventure” section of the scrap book with pictures of their life together. No, she never got to the exotic water fall, but she considered the every day pleasures with her husband to be where the adventure and joy were to be found.
There is wisdom here for us. Find joy in today, in the calling that God has given you. It may not seem exotic. You may not even live out your dreams–but you can still experience immeasurable joy in fulfilling those callings that God sets before you each day.
When we take the time to examine our own hearts in the middle of a conflict, we may very well find that we’ve done something to contribute to the problem. What now? Well, when you do something wrong you say you are sorry.
But be careful how you do that. Sometimes our “apologies” can do more harm than good. For starters, it’s a great idea to eliminate the words “if” and “but” from your apologies. Think about what is actually being communicated.
“I’m sorry if you’re hurt.” Translation: “You seem upset. But you shouldn’t be. This whole thing is stupid and is really all your fault. If you didn’t have such thin skin I could be watching the game by now.”
or,
“I’m sorry I got mad, but you won’t even lift a finger to help out around the house.” Translation: “I’m sorry I got mad, but You won’t even lift a finger to help out around the house, and I’m still really mad at you. This is all your fault.”
Those “ifs” and “buts” completely wipe out the apology and shift the blame and responsibility right back to the other person. Let’s train ourselves to get those words out of our apologies.
There’s no “instant replay” rule in baseball that would have helped correct a bad call against the Twins last night. Twin’s Catcher, Joe Mauer, was robbed of a late inning double that could have changed the outcome of the game. (The Yankees won, though and that’s a good thing.:-) ) (Check out the video here–Twin’s Fair Ball vs. Yankees) The umpire was in the right place–he was lined up perfectly to make the call, and he still missed it. Sometimes it’s hard to see what’s really happening in “real speed.” Was it a fair ball or a foul? The replay helps you see it clearly: It was fair by about a foot. But the ump, whose whole job it is to watch these things and make the judgment, blew the call.
This makes me think of the last blog post on marriage, urging us to “get the log out of our own eye” before pointing the blame at our spouse. Life happens at “real speed.” There’s no replay (except for the sometimes faulty recorder of our own minds.) And we make very poor umpires–we often miss the call, thinking it was HER fault, or HIS fault, when it was actually MINE.
Again, the Word of God can be a corrective to help us see the truth about ourselves–a truth we may want to avoid but still need to hear and confront.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24
So, how can we do a better job of taking a look at our own hearts in the midst of relationship challenges? It’s not easy. It goes against the inclinations of our natural (sinful) nature. We want to think well of ourselves. We don’t like considering that we might be doing something wrong. But the reality is that it “takes two to tango,” and we’ve probably done SOMETHING to contribute to the problem. So what do we do?
I’ve been trying to train myself in the very midst of a conflict to simply stop and pray. Things are obviously not going well, so I pause inside and ask God to show me what I’m doing wrong. It begins as simply as that. “God, I’m a mess. I’m such a mess that I don’t even know what’s wrong. Please show me.”
It begins with prayer, asking God to shine His light on the dark places of our hearts. What next?
How do we test our words, actions and attitudes? How do we know if what we’re doing or saying is right, or twisted with selfishness? What standard should we use to evaluate our actions? Here is where the Word of God can be such a blessing. Here is when knowing His Word–even having it memorized and ready in our minds can be a huge asset.
The Word of God can function like a mirror. It shows us what’s going on on the inside. There are simply LOADS of passages that could help us evaluate our hearts at any given moment, but let me suggest one to start with.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Paul’s beautiful description of love. Maybe this was even read at your wedding. Test your words, your actions and most of all–the attitude of your heart–against these words. Are you exhibiting patience? kindness? Are you in the midst of reminding your spouse of his faults? Is this issue all about what YOU want, or are you truly looking out for the interests of your life-partner?
Do you see how that works? When we compare our current condition to what the Word of God describes we can see a little more clearly.
Take some time to read through Colossians 3:5-15. This is another great passage (among many) that can help serve as a “mirror” to the condition of our hearts. The book of Proverbs is also loaded with pithy statements that help us quickly evaluate our actions. Check it out!
This whole process is good to do not just in the midst of conflict but on a daily basis. It’s good to uncover harmful thoughts words and actions before they take root and become a habit.
Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. 13 Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression. Psalm 19:12-13
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8
While it is easy to get fixated on a spouse’s weaknesses, sins and annoying habits, it is equally easy to overlook and deny our own. This, of course, only increases our potential for trouble. It is quite challenging to live with someone who always thinks he’s right when he’s not. (Just ask my wife how fun it is!) It’s even worse when that person starts passing the blame for all the problems of the marriage off on his spouse.
People seem to have a very hard time applying things to themselves. How often do you hear a sermon, read a book, listen to some TV advice-giver and think: “If only so-and-so could have heard/read this?” I can even imagine someone reading this far and saying–”Yup! That’s my husband. He blames me for everything.” Um…….please keep reading.
There seems to be some natural block (IE, the sinful nature) that keeps us from seeing our own part in a problem. This is why Jesus’ wisdom for us is all-the-more important:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
We can be so focused on that speck in the eye of our spouse that we can’t see the log in our own eye. She spends so much time thinking about what he does wrong, that she doesn’t take the time to think about what she might be doing wrong. Jesus says, “No. wait. Look at your own issues first. “ Look in the mirror. What do you see? Look a little more closely. Are you truly innocent?
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8
When my kids come running to me in the midst of a fight, they are almost always saying that “HE did this.” or “HE did that.” or “Well, HE started it.” Quite frankly, I could care less who started it. It is quite clear that no one is treating anyone very well.
Maybe you didn’t start the latest conflict. But did you do something to escalate it? Was it something you said? An attitude conveyed through your body language? Something you did? What was YOUR role in the spat? With God’s help, take a careful look at your own heart before you start passing the blame. The chances are mighty high that you have some blame to share.
